On Love & Suicide

I’m just going to put this right here; I don’t want to write this post.

Suicide is an uncomfortable subject for me. It’s part of my past and I’d like to keep it there. Unfortunately, I think too often that’s what happens. We don’t want to talk about it. So we keep silent—until it’s too late.

Silence steals so much from us. So today I want to lift my voice. And I’m grateful I still have a voice to lift—grateful that suicide didn’t silence me forever.

February is the month of love, but for many this month feels anything but lovely. Maybe your life feels gray and hopeless right now, and thoughts of suicide are tempting you to take the quick exit.

I’ve been there.

In 2007, when the dark clouds of depression and anxiety descended on me, I couldn’t make sense of my life or think rationally. Every waking thought was consumed with not wanting to feel anything—not the suffocating anxiety, or my deep sense of self-loathing—anymore. That’s what I was thinking when I stepped to the edge of a mountain path, the day after my son’s fourth birthday, and peered over the edge. I just wanted it all to stop.

I couldn’t see past the next minute, let alone tomorrow.

I’m sad to say I saw the effects of suicide up close and personal as a teenager, but it didn’t make me immune to the seductive lies it whispered to me in my pain. Suicidal thoughts tend to bring along a deadly sidekick—myopic vision. All you can see is one thing. Your pain.

Suicide held me in its clutches with thoughts like, “Your life is never going to change. Today, and the next day, and the one after that, and all of your days are going to be exactly like this one. This is your only option.” Those thoughts were unbearable and overwhelming to me at the time, because I couldn’t keep going as I was.

Maybe the same record is playing right now in your head. Telling you that your life will never get better, nothing will ever change. That you’re doomed to keep reliving the same nightmare over and over again. I believed that too.

But it wasn’t true.

I can tell you that with absolute certainty, almost twelve years later. It’s not true at all. And all it took to begin breaking the power of those thoughts was one moment of courage to break the silence and talk to my husband. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes.

I wrote at the beginning of this post that I’d like to leave suicide in my past and never talk about it again, because when I think about what taking my own life would have done to my family I’m ashamed.

Deeply.

They would have been devastated. They would have carried that pain with them for the rest of their days. And I would have been the cause of that pain. As much as I wanted to end my own suffering, I couldn’t do that to them.

You see, love made me step back from the ledge. And if you’re thinking about suicide today, Love is calling you back too.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Yeah right, nobody would miss me. No one loves me.”

But I want to tell you, if your eyeballs are reading this today it’s because you are loved. Completely and utterly by a God who sees you and your situation and wants you to know that there is hope. Your life will not always be this way. Take it from one who knows.

Here’s what I want you to do now if you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts:
1. Find someone, anyone, a co-worker, a family member, a pastor, anybody, and break the silence. Tell them how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. Don’t wait. Do it now.
2. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

If you’re contemplating suicide, don’t be silent. We need your voice in the world. Reach out today! You are loved and Love is reaching out to you!